RIP Sam :(
after many years of depression, I have just given up on dating, it’s not fun, it’s not rewarding (for me) and my hobbies keep me happy and fulfilled enough. If something wants to happen, I’m ready to welcome it, if not, who cares
I’m sorry to hear you’ve had difficulty finding someone. If your hobbies keep you happy and fulfilled, just make sure those hobbies don’t keep you home alone. Go to gatherings of other hobby enthusiasts, good chance that there you’ll find someone that is your perfect fit
If those hobbies keep them happy does it really matter?
My worry is that a person whose hobbies make them happy is missing out on actual happiness and mistakes distraction for happiness.
I’ll never understand that reaction. I completely understand seeing that and wanting to kill yourself, but I never thought the happy couple should die.
I see those kinds of couples and my only thoughts are usually some form of “lucky lucky. I’m such a worthless piece of shit.” Lol
Armchair psychology by your local dipshit:
Depression tends to be irrational, and thus thought processes around it tend to be irrational.
“if i can’t have it, nobody should have it”
also applies to everyone who opposes progress because they had it hard in life
I kinda get that. Its like trying to be happy for a billionaire who lives in a castle whilst you can barely afford rent.
Except people having it easier due to progress comes at the cost of nobody, while billionaires having it good comes at great cost to everybody but them.
I’d argue that progress always comes at a cost to something, loss of jobs, rarer to mine minerals, loss in quality to meet demand, etc. But I hear ya
Yea for sure, but the cost-benefit is usually (hopefully) pretty skewed. Like even redistributing wealth from billionaires comes at a ‘cost’ to the billionaires, but the downside is their bank account number is smaller (which, who cares). I know you’re not disagreeing btw, just adding to the discussion.
No no appreciate the perspective, not all bad is net bad
I’ll never understand that reaction.
The experience probably felt painful (literally) for Anon so his lizard brain immediately wanted to strike back at what’s causing the pain. Doesn’t make much sense of course so he didn’t actually do it, probably felt bad about it too.
Now imagine you had more than a good shot, and you where the one who rejected her. How would you feel, looking back and seeing you where an idiot?
Fucking hell, you have to forgive your past self for being a dumbass. Everyone’s past self was an idiot literally because they didn’t know what present self knows.
Forgive your past and focus on working your present for what you want for your future self.
It’s not hippy-dippy bullshit, it’s literally the foundational principle for doing anything in life like getting fitter, starting a business, learning a new skill / subject, improving your dating prospects, etc.
If you only wallow in your past mistakes and not doing the teeny-tiniest improvements of literally 1% or 0.1%, then you’re not living, you’re just dying slowly. Living is much more fun.
Interesting how this short story includes height
Interesting how you chose to describe this story by its height
Dude, incels are obsessed with height
They are the only people that actually know their own height. Most people have a vague idea but they can’t give you exact measurements because to be honest it’s not important.
Im tall enough that I can reach the upper cupboards without a stool if I stand on my tippy toes. That’s what’s truly important.
The act of rumination on a depressive episode involves your brain trying to find something about you, something immutable and deeply connected with who you are as a person, and it takes that thing and amplifies it through a wickedly destructive lens.
See, a lot of people don’t know how their own brain works. They think they can think about something and their thoughts will reason out a solution, or that all their ideas are based on the brain’s ability to connect logical elements.
Nothing could be further from the truth. Your brain is designed to write a story to explain how you feel. That’s it. If you already feel bad, especially if you’re not entirely sure why, your brain will scramble for a story, it will tie together every weird loose-end it can find, and assemble a batshit nonsense story for you, which you will believe wholeheartedly. You think your brain is you. You think your thoughts have to be true if they come from inside. Many people never consider that their own thinking is fundamentally wrong, and most of us are wrong about a number of things we feel wholly confident about.
Curbing depressive episodes and getting your life back involves learning to identify when you start ruminating and nipping it in the bud. For many insecure, lonely guys, memes/stories like this will be MAJOR trigger-points for rumination episodes, an act that becomes strangely addictive when you’re suffering depression.
The difference between some sullen incel who hates life and hates you and hates women and hates themselves, but happens to be 5’ 9", versus a really short dude who has a nice girlfriend and smiles a lot about their life and appreciates what he has, absolutely comes down to how their brains have learned to assemble stories for their world and how emotionally intelligent they are. Some dude is reading this post right now gnashing their teeth and formulating pushback and opposition because their brain is resisting this message because brains hate to be wrong. Even though they’re very good at being wrong.
This is just… Wow, absolutely incredible explanation.
You discribe both nightmares and anxiety realy well with your explanation IMO. And intrusive thoughts probably follow the same “brain has a target, and just fills in the details to fet there” too.
Those people vaning away because of a girl 6 inches shorter though, I mean it’s just 15cm?? Even a shorty can find girls 15 cm shorter, right? Amazing.
It’s really unhealthy to categorize people by something as superficial as height though. I’m about 1 inch taller than my husband. The only consequence of that is the fact that it looks kinda silly if I wear really high heels. He’s not self-conscious about it, I’m not self-conscious about it, and if either of us placed value on the woman in a heteronormative relationship needing to be shorter, I wouldn’t have ended up with the love of my life.
Writing someone off because of one stat/measurement is absolutely insane and I think a lot of people would be happier if they quit or heavily limited their social media use to limit the torrent of self-criticism from comparison that come from social media.
> Sees happy people
> Immediate reaction is wanting to kill them“Why am I always alone? :(”
she’s bipolar
4chan proving it’s incel ground zero, those unfuckable virgins are a bane on society.
Maybe work on yourself and stop hating the world for your own problems.
Someone needs to come up with a solution, preferably final, for the incel problem… Not everyone gets to make children. Not everyone should get to make children - these fucking weirdos are clearly the “bachelor pride” rejects of humanity.
My qualm with “working on yourself” advise is that it is too broad and non-specific, which I think makes a person even more confused. There are so many little details that a person may miss in relation to themselves. It requires a lot of introspection. But even then, even if the person does a lot of thinking, the conclusion may be wrong. For example, the guy does work out and believes he will attract girls; but if he doesn’t realise he’s got bad breath and got turned down for it, it could lead to the wrong conclusion for him that women in general are just mean, or whatever other wrong conclusion that the guy could draw from.
I’ve seen guys struggle with dating, even good looking ones, but most of the time it is because they struggle to figure out the finer details. However, the problem is that it is hard to broach the topic because it may offend the person. Each individuals are unique and as much as we are all unique in our own good way, it also applies that we are all uniquely flawed. We have to figure out the latter and rectify it without putting ourselves down. But even the process of rectifying one’s own self can be challenging, because introspection could lead to unhealthy conclusions and behaviours if not done in healthy manner.
I don’t know if it makes sense, but that’s just my two cents based from my personal experience and what I observed about others. I think many men are struggling because they don’t get specific enough advise. There is no “one size fits all” advise for men in dating and relationships (if there is, unfortunately the broad “one size fits all advise” are easily used for exploitation by those who could influence, as we saw with Andrew Tate and others). But as I mentioned, providing specific advise to individuals is a hard thing to broach.
A person who has bad breath for a long time, and doesn’t realize it, is correct to assume that others are selfish.
He may not realize exactly what’s happening, but what’s happening is that hundreds of people are perceiving his problem clearly and choosing not to tell him because it would cause them a few seconds of discomfort to do so.
My mother pointed that typically only family members would be blunt about your flaws, and not necessarily from your friends. From my own experience, she is kinda right. The thing however is that in Western society, individualism is overly valued. People are expected to be on their own. Staying with parents is stigmatised. Or, friends and family move out so there is increasingly little socialisation and more isolation. You receive relatively fewer feedbacks as a result. And even if a flaw is pointed out in a polite and constructive manner, you don’t know how the person will react and respond. The person may think others are selfish for not mentioning about the bad breath, but if that person lashes out or took it personally, that person is selfish for not taking a constructive feedback. Instead of having negative reaction, the person should say “okay, I will take care of myself next time.”
Even if a flaw is pointed, there could be many other things. Like a machine, there are moving parts. Sure, you can improve your hygiene; but if you are too uptight, too shy, rude, your attempts at flirting comes off as too creepy etc, few or or all of those things will be a turn off for women. Never mind not owning a Porsche or being 5’5" in height, less shallow women like men who takes care of themselves, a gentleman, not too serious and confident. Mature women take personality more than physicality any day. I know short, less good looking guys date tall, model-looking women because they are confident and a gentleman.
Having a bad breath is an example I could think off the top of my head when I typed my initial comment, but there are other examples I could have pointed out. Although, those other examples would be too uncomfortable to mention to the person, like having neurodivergence not being alleviated, or “too feminine” (I am for delineating traditional gender roles but there are still some foundations which I believe would be required to qualify for the expected image of heterosexual man and woman). They are two examples I have seen of my friends (they got partners now but struggled with dating before), and good luck telling them that why they struggled.
Disclaimer: I was never an Incel. I held no ill will against women, I always had many female friends. I’m politically active and call myself a feminist. Still, I didn’t ever have a romantic partnership and I suffered from it.
I am 29 years old. This year I started treating my chronic depression I never admitted I had and oh wonder I found a wonderful partner in a matter of months. Incel ideology is so fucked up. These guys seriously need help and support structures but they reject all that and hate half of humanity instead.
Incel ≠ misogynist. Incel means involuntary celibate. We need more people to learn about this and stop equating those two terms
Incel refers to guys that turned misogynist because they’re involuntarily celibate.
Wait till OP sees the same scene, but she’s 6" taller. Then he’ll really freak.
(Guys. Do not thou be afraid. I’ve dated women taller than me, by 5". It’s nice. That’s all.)
I’ve also dated women taller than me and had no issue, my issue is simply that I find it funny how bodyshaming is only ok when you do it to men (no hair, fat gut, small peepee, short, etc) but any other time it’s bad and you should feel bad. How come “manlet” still gets a pass but we’ve deprecated “whale?”
Frankly I bet no shortage of those incels are fat or short guys with small weewees and bad hair and that the bodyshaming helps cement them in their misanthropic position, “why even try, I can’t grow taller or afford hair/dick surgery, yadda yadda…” Sure the fat can be worked on, but do we tell fat women that are lonely to slim down? Not anymore, that used to be true but now it’s bodyshaming and you’re the asshole for doing it, so why shouldn’t fat men love their bodies too? Body positivity isn’t only for women.
I guess what I’m trying to say is “Yeah, do not thou be afraid, but some of this shit needs to be talked about because it seems incongruous with reason, and honestly it may contribute to the problem.”
Body shaming isn’t okay for anyone. Men have always shared their preferences (“No fat chicks,” “No dark women,” “no tall women,” “blondes/Asians/Latina only”), but once women started to share their preferences (usually height and money), suddenly men see the cruelty of it. It sucks that it only really started becoming an issue in response to women’s autonomy.
There’s nothing wrong with short men, fat men, etc., but they’re now on a level playing field. Women’s personality is almost never important, it’s how they look. They’re mad that all women want the “highest class man” when men have been doing the same for ages. They want the cheerleader, the baddie, etc. Ugly women are place holders, a warm hole until men find what they want. When they get left, they ask why they didn’t take care of themselves. Now men see what it’s like to be judged either for things outside of their control, like their attractiveness or height, and their body type, regardless of its “their fault” or not. Just like women.
Doesn’t make it right, but I don’t know where this idea that body shaming only happens to men came from. The shaming comes from all sides and affects all of us, even the “pretty.”
I didn’t say it only happens to men, I said it’s only acceptable when it happens to men.
Basically if I put on a “no fat chicks” shirt I’m universally (and rightly) panned as a complete asshole by anyone except other dudes who would wear the same shirt, however if some woman puts “no manlets” in her tinder bio it’s “yasss go off queen” universally. If I make fun of small titted women (personally that’s a physical trait I actually prefer, but for the sake of the example) like “small titty committee” I’m clearly an asshole, but if a woman makes a small dick joke it’s all good?
I’m not even saying “don’t have preferences,” I’m just saying don’t be a prick about them (or do, but then you’re a prick whether you’re a man or a woman). As an example, if I’m going to reject a date with a woman I’m simply not attracted to I don’t say “eww no you’re ugly,” I politely say some variation of “I’m sorry but I’m just not looking for a relationship right now.”
You touched on it (though you were in defense of it), but two wrongs don’t make a right.
Basically if I put on a “no fat chicks” shirt I’m universally (and rightly) panned as a complete asshole by anyone except other dudes who would wear the same shirt, however if some woman puts “no manlets” in her tinder bio it’s “yasss go off queen” universally.
But that’s not true. There are parties on both sides that would cheer and jeer both shirts. I have absolutely seen some women cheer that kind of shit, but it’s not universal. Just like “not all men,” not all women behave like that. Do some women make fun of small dicks, absolutely. Do some men make fun of small dicks. Yes. Do some men and women make fun of attributes they find unattractive, yes. I did not meant to come off as I’m defending the jeering for either, both are inappropriate and cruel, but the idea that women are able to go around just saying whatever about whatever with no push back is false, as well as the idea that people are not still picky about women’s bodies and how they live.
I still believe that some men are facing this for the first time, so it feels like it’s just them. They didn’t see this when women’s magazines were focused on how to get a man. They didn’t see a issue when only women with a certain shape were in media. They didn’t care that women were plot devices instead of characters. They didn’t care that a lot of “coming of age” movies for girls were about the glow up, and not character development. They not only didn’t care, they got angry when women just started to be included, especially if they aren’t “attractive”, in video games. There was no outcry about how terrible any of that was until women started to get loud about it. And I’m glad that men are included in this movement, because they have been dealing with a lot of shit that they had to bury, but I do not see this “it’s okay to make men feel like shit but not women” attitude universally. And I do not see women no longer being included in the list of targets.
