Protector, an app that lets you book armed goons the same way you’d call for an Uber, is having a viral moment.
Protector lets the user book armed guards on demand. Right now it’s only available in NYC and LA. According to its marketing, every guard is either “active duty or retired law enforcement and military.” Every booking comes with a motorcade and users get to select the number of Escalades that’ll be joining them as well as the uniforms their hired goons will wear.
Protector is currently “#7 in Travel” on Apple’s App Store. It’s not available for people who use Android devices. Sorry Google phone fans, if you want your own armed goons you’ll have to resort to more traditional methods of goon employment.
The marketing for Protector, which lives on its X account, is surreal. A series of robust and barrel-chested men in ill-fitting black suits deliver their credentials to the camera while sitting in front of a black background. They’re all operators. They describe careers in SWAT teams and being deployed to war zones. They show vanity shots of themselves kitted out in operator gear. All of them have a red lapel pin bearing the symbol of Protector.
Who is this for, you might ask? A video posted on January 6, 2025, that runs just over two minutes gives the game away. It opens with a photo of assassinated UnitedHealthcare CEO Brian Thompson. “We’re going to run through a scenario to demonstrate, where if a Protector had been present, crisis could have been averted,” the Protector says in the video. He then runs through several fantasy versions of the assassination where a Protector is on hand to prevent the assassin from killing the CEO.
These people have enough money to hire private protection already, it’s not the lack of an app that has stopped them from doing so up until this point. It’s simply that they didn’t actually believe they were in any danger from the peons.
I think I saw this season of Westworld.
First of all, I hate this.
But also, this is cyberpunk as fuck.
Imagine how funny it will be when someone red teams the endpoints and get all their client’s active locations in a JSON
Buy a few drones and you could automate the assassination process for maximum efficiency.
Interested in seeing how well the armed guard equivalent of “the Uber Eats driver who eats your food instead of delivering it” works out for them.
Background checks can’t catch everyone.
Look at G4S’ track record, for example
Infamously G4S don’t conduct background checks. If they did they wouldn’t hire anyone because all of their employees are psychopaths.
Even when they are hired as mere security guards rather than close protection they still end up killing people.
Sounds like admitting guilt. Those who hire the goons know they are shitty people. Living with self hate must be a bitch.
Eh, I don’t think everyone interested in this service are necessarily bad people. There are a lot of internet celebrities that would really rather not deal with crazy fans that this would be perfect for, as in, not rich enough to have their own chauffeurs, but famous enough to make going out on your own a real pain.
Oh, is this the invitation of DRAMA?
Like from cyberpunk?
Going for a shadow run to the grocery store. Don’t forget to pick up a decker to bypass the ice.
In my coping with the horrors of the world, I like to think this is run by a hidden AGI to wack its ideological opponents.
Lol
Venture brothers ass nonsense. 1-888-HENCH.
The modern aristocracy must be hunted in their native habitats. They are commonly found in walled communities, exclusive islands (i.e. Martha’s Vineyard), exclusive neighborhoods (i.e. Santa Monica, Beverly Hills), luxury stores (i.e. Hermes) and trendy nightclubs. Set up your hunting blind in or just outside of their habitat. Make sure to camouflage it well using native materials like designer labels, advertisements and invitations to political contribution dinners. Use a call to attract them. One that works well is “Annual bonus! Annual bonus!”, “Union forming! Union forming!” or waving a golden parachute. Bait traps also work well such as a pile of designer handbags and the keys to a Bentley.
There’s no way this could backfire
ToS says the app accepts zero liability so the legal person is safe here
Sounds like they thought of everything
Luigi has entered the chat
Been seeing his name a lot more.
It is beautiful.
Luigi is the American hero.
Never forget what he did for the common people.
Gang for hire.
For what they’re charging, you’re not going to get elite private security, you’re going to get mall cops on their day off.
This is not for the actual rich, it’s for tiktok influencers to show off.
Gig economy security guards. What the utter fuck. Doesn’t sound at all like brownshirts in the making.
Gig economy does not inspire loyalty lmao
Ha ha ha, another quality zinger from The Onion!
…wait, this shit’s real???
