I work remote, but occasionally have to travel to New York City for in-office events. During these events I sit in a conference room with the rest of my team all day. We usually have a team dinner planned during the week or something.
Tuesday I got into New York and later that night we went out to dinner. This ended up going until 10:30pm, which is pretty late for me (I usually am in bed by 10). It was also announced that day that we would go bowling today (Wednesday). After a day of sitting in a conference room for 8 straight hours, I really didn’t feel like going out with my coworkers or drinking beer til 10 or 11 at night. I told my coworkers I was going to skip it because I wanted to go to the gym and I made something up about having to file my taxes by tonight, but I think they generally understood that I just didn’t want to go.
I also was never explicitly invited; we were just told “we are going bowling on Wednesday”, so I think there was the expectation that I go, but I strongly feel that nobody should be obligated to go to an after-work event (especially since I already went to one).
How would you handle the situation? How do you get out of these kinds of events?
First, you can always decline. It’s your time, and they aren’t paying you to work at a bowling alley, so you don’t have to be there.
Second, remote team meetups are a really good time to bond with your coworkers without a business agenda. I would recommend to anyone to try to make an appearance, even if you don’t stay out as late as everyone else. Plus, if everyone is hung over the next day at work, and you show up bright eyed and bushy tailed, you look like the smart one, although your coworkers might give you the side eye if you rub it in. Being compassionate goes a long way towards that bonding bit.
It’s also easier to communicate when you have personal relationships with your remote coworkers. When you write a curt slack message, or a status update email, people will read it in your voice. That might also work against you if you tend to be sarcastic or belligerent. If they don’t know you, they will read it in their own voice, and that can go sideways.
You don’t have to bowl. You don’t need to claim an old injury. Just say you don’t enjoy it (because that’s true).
All that said, it doesn’t sound like you did anything wrong. It doesn’t sound like your coworkers did anything wrong, either, and you were definitely “invited” anytime there is an announcement like that.