I work remote, but occasionally have to travel to New York City for in-office events. During these events I sit in a conference room with the rest of my team all day. We usually have a team dinner planned during the week or something.
Tuesday I got into New York and later that night we went out to dinner. This ended up going until 10:30pm, which is pretty late for me (I usually am in bed by 10). It was also announced that day that we would go bowling today (Wednesday). After a day of sitting in a conference room for 8 straight hours, I really didn’t feel like going out with my coworkers or drinking beer til 10 or 11 at night. I told my coworkers I was going to skip it because I wanted to go to the gym and I made something up about having to file my taxes by tonight, but I think they generally understood that I just didn’t want to go.
I also was never explicitly invited; we were just told “we are going bowling on Wednesday”, so I think there was the expectation that I go, but I strongly feel that nobody should be obligated to go to an after-work event (especially since I already went to one).
How would you handle the situation? How do you get out of these kinds of events?
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I just say ‘sorry, it’s been a long day, I’m socially exhausted, see y’all tomorrow morning.’ And it 100% shows on my face.
But that works because it’s an engineering team and introversion is fine and understood. We’ve definitely had feedback from some engineers that a full 8 hours of group work, and then dinner, and some social event after that is too much. Managers have learned since to just cut some meetings and make the social events part of the normal work hours.
This probably doesn’t work as well for the departments full of people who like to talk a lot.
They’re not your family or friends
so I think there was the expectation that I go, but I strongly feel that nobody should be obligated to go to an after-work event (especially since I already went to one).
…and…
I work remote, but occasionally have to travel to New York City for in-office events.
I totally get where you’re coming from, and most replies here are “you’re not obligated, so don’t go” or “just say no”. If you were living in the same city as your work, you could probably get away with this without any repercussions. Where you might get burned here is that work paid for your travel to New York for this. If you’re only going to participate in the “in office” portion of the meeting, they have a good argument to not fly you out and put you up in a hotel. They could just ask you to join a video conference. This may be your preference even, but if so, you should talk to your boss about it.
Something like: “Hey boss, I see there’s the upcoming on-site meeting scheduled. I wanted to let you know that my out-of-work schedule doesn’t really accommodate the after work activities that go on because of timing. I know the budget is always tight, so I am just fine with joining the meeting on Teams. Heck, keep the same budget and buy everyone else there HUGE steak dinners with what you’re saving on my flight and hotel costs!”
Keep in mind, while you’re not obligated to go to these, when the job cuts come, your self imposed exclusion to these events may make you a target.
Alternatively, you can go to the after-work events, but politely duck out after an hour or so being there. That way you’ll still get “credit” for going, and everyone will remember that you were there.
I’d go with the duck out early option personally. Showing your face and socializing with others can make a real impact on how your coworkers think about you. They won’t remember you left early, but they may remember you didn’t go.
Now of course, if you don’t care about that, just politely decline the invitation.
What I remind myself is that it doesn’t have to be all or nothing. It’s perfectly OK to say that after a long day your brain is soup and you just want to chill for the evening.
It’s also fine to say that your tired, but will come out for one or two and then leave, and then do just that. Obviously if you find yourself having a better time and enjoying it you can stay out.
I find that adults respect other adults more if you are upfront about your own boundaries. You also don’t need to make excuses, try to have the confidence to be straight forward and say you’re tired and will skip this one, or whatever.
This is the correct answer. Don’t listen to the people telling you to just say “no” without anything else. This doesn’t sound like a factory job or retail job, this sounds like an office job. In white collar offices it’s important to maintain good relationships with your coworkers. Don’t go out all the time if you don’t want to, but decline the invitation in a polite pleasant way
“No” is a complete sentence, and colleagues aren’t necessarily friends. If it’s not paid, it’s your time to do with as you please.
Just say no thanks or say you’ve got other things you need to do.
2 night outs in a week is too much IMO. At my work, the maximum is 1 dinner+team building event in the middle of the week (never Friday because people have families to go home to for the weekend). We usually try to go to a place where an activity can be done and the place has food and drinks as well, so it’s 2 birds with 1 stone. But to answer your question, any respectable professional environment should accept a simple “sorry, I can’t go” answer without any further questions. Any simple excuse should also be fine, like “I’m tired from all the meetings today and will retire early to get some rest, since we still have a ton of meetings tomorrow as well”.
2 night outs in a week is too much IMO
It’s not a regular thing, OP works remote and sees his team like a few times a year, or less.
Yes that’s exactly my setup at work. I’m part of a global team so it’s only once or twice a year were enough people travel to one office location that it becomes an “event” of visitors in the office for a week.
Honestly, given it’s only once or twice a year, I’d say you should just regard the entire trip as part of the job and socialise as expected. It’s hard to say more without knowing the details of your job env and career goals, but they’re obviously expecting it and it might affect your standing within your team.
First, you can always decline. It’s your time, and they aren’t paying you to work at a bowling alley, so you don’t have to be there.
Second, remote team meetups are a really good time to bond with your coworkers without a business agenda. I would recommend to anyone to try to make an appearance, even if you don’t stay out as late as everyone else. Plus, if everyone is hung over the next day at work, and you show up bright eyed and bushy tailed, you look like the smart one, although your coworkers might give you the side eye if you rub it in. Being compassionate goes a long way towards that bonding bit.
It’s also easier to communicate when you have personal relationships with your remote coworkers. When you write a curt slack message, or a status update email, people will read it in your voice. That might also work against you if you tend to be sarcastic or belligerent. If they don’t know you, they will read it in their own voice, and that can go sideways.
You don’t have to bowl. You don’t need to claim an old injury. Just say you don’t enjoy it (because that’s true).
All that said, it doesn’t sound like you did anything wrong. It doesn’t sound like your coworkers did anything wrong, either, and you were definitely “invited” anytime there is an announcement like that.
Honestly, I would just tell them
“No thanks”
Remember that no is a full sentence and you don’t owe an explanation to anyone. It’s not a part of your job, unless they pay you to attend. But they almost certainly don’t. I know it’s easier said than done, but try to not succumb to social pressure, it makes life so much better. Our free time is already very limited, so spend it how you want to. If they still try to pressure you into going/giving them answer you can say it’s something personal/private. And if they still pry further you could mess with them by making something up that makes them feel like a total jerk (this is pretty delicate, some people will definitely try to get revenge for this, even if it’s totally irrational. So think about it carefully, alternatively make them regret prying another way that doesn’t hurt them emotionally & socially)
Some people will not like if you behave that way, but try to live your life the way it fullfills you/makes you happy. There’s always gonna be people that don’t like or straight up dislike you, but fuck 'em. They’re not even worth thinking about when you’re busy enjoying life :)
Sorry for the wall of text. Anyway, that’s my 2 cents on the matter
Didn’t read, but your an adult. AFTER work. That’s all. Do what you want.
