Every account you ever had, every post/comment you ever posted, now has your real name, a photo of you, and your address, all just magically show up on the webpage right next to each of your posts/comments (also, no “hacking” could hide the info). All deleted posts/comments are magically restored and nothing you do (short of permanently shutting down the website and physical destruction of the servers) can delete them. (Any edits would still show every change you made.) How fucked are you?
And don’t think about changing your name, or moving, all this info updates in real time. (for “magic” reason)
(You also cannot delete any future posts.)
Them: “Wow. I can’t believe jubilationtcornpone would do something like that.”
Me: “Yeah, well that makes two of us. And are you seriously trying to tell me you’re JUST NOW hearing about that? You actually missed my compete and total public humiliation? That was like ten years ago.”